jesus christ i am so pathetic.
even though i know we can never be what we once were, you know you can still call me to come over to your apartment to have sex, and i’ll be there.
because i’ll take any chance i can get to be close to you again, even if it’s just for one night. one night of you groaning and sweating and then 20 mintues later you’re asleep and i’m wide awake wondering why i hate myself so much.
you violate me, body and mind, and i take the abuse willingly.
i am so fucking p a t h e t i c
you know those like, old “survey” things that people used to post as notes on facebook? i forgot they existed until now but i was going through my old notes from like 2007-2010 and found them all and laughed at the comments my friends made on them.
but basically it just makes me really nostalgic and very sad. that time seems so far away, so distant now. doesn’t it? like, was that time in my life real, or did i just dream it all up? just starting college, everything felt so new and exciting then. now i’ve graduated and everything is blurry and very confusing and i just have a hard time explaining things.
i miss those people, the people that were so present and visible during those years, and in those memories. some of the best years of my life, probably.
i went through this phase, though, after i was living in nyc/brooklyn. moving back home, i felt like i was “above it all.” like, long island and my hometown and suburbia in general was such a shithole, and i couldn’t be bothered anymore, because i missed my “cool new york life.” everyone was “basic.” everything was “the worst.”
don’t get me wrong, living in new york city was the greatest fucking thing that ever happened to my life. and it’s still a huge part of my life. but i don’t live there anymore and i think that for a while i just couldn’t admit that.
i’m trying to fix things now. i’m starting to fall in love with my hometown, and appreciate it for what it’s worth. it’s where everything happened. i’m starting to mend things with the people i thought i lost for good. they’re starting to forgive me for things that were my fault, and i’m so happy about that. i let people who were so special to me just, slip away, because i associated them with this “horrible” place i was forced to live in. i can’t let that happen again.
idk WOW this turned out to be way longer than i thought it would be lol but yeah i just have all these feelings and i needed somewhere to put them. i just feel like, life is cyclical and that’s such a beautiful thing.
it would be nice to talk to someone who understands these things lol. but yaaaay! ok i’ll text you and we’ll work something around my work schedule. i need to tell you about lana at coachella omg.